i dont proof read
so im scared about teaching. im having a little freak out, i didnt go to o week well i did go to one day but i couldnt be bothered going again. im scared that when i get there i will screw things up, i will miss something and fail or it will be too hard for me. im scared about the homework. i cant figure out where to find my lecture notes. did i say im scared at the amount of homework? gosh
i really feel though that this is where God wants me, but i just hope i can do it, i want to acheive this for myself so i can be proud but also so that i know i am working for Gods Kindom.
i Constantly screw up being a christian consantly, like often i know what i am doing wrong but i still repeatativly do these acts whenever i want because i feel no sense of remorse. . . i normally use my internal gauge to determine what i feel is right or wrong and pray to god too guide those feelings, but often in one or two situations where i know i am doing something the “church” would not approve of. . . i feel nothing, no negativity, no guilt, no internal voice warning me …..i dont feel i am wrong. But then i have never been one to accept authority well, and i have multiple issues i want to shake the church up with. I keep feeling drivin to teach my small group a bit about newageism maybe teach them to see auras, as i am extreamly naturally psychic…or as they would call it prophetic. . . but i have not as yet worked on this gift though my church, as im afraid they may tell me i am wrong. . . . .gosh imagine if they said stop doing reiki which equates to me as stop your natural ability to feel cold patches on peoples skin where the pain is..or stop seeing auras…like i choose to see colours associated with peoples emotions, or stop having prophetic dreams . Because of this i have been accused of being a with of being possessed by the devil, and of trickery and madness. you learn to cover up this sort of shit and deny its existance in your life when you have had people close to you and people who are “christians’ that attend church every week accuse you of such things. i once taught a girl from my church to see the aura of her hand against the bath tub, she told her boyfriend from our church who riddiculed me denied my saneness was horrible to her also to the point she got upset and asked me never to talk of the incident again.
right now i am stuck i have prayed to God for years that if these gifts are not from him please take them and it has never happened…and now we pray at church for him to use us, now i need to become a teacher and my aura reading talent has gone beserko, i really feel he wants me to share it with my small group. but i am so afraid of there reaction. i suggested yoga and the all totally poo pooed the idea…and i was hopeing it would make an opening in for what i have in mind. but i am ridiculously scared of becomeing an outcast because i do not fit in with the norm.
on a better note, completly out of the blue and just threw conversation my boyfriend and i decided what year we would like to get married and indeed that we hope it is to each other last night, we havnt been going out even a year yet so it is still early days. But i completely feel he is who i am supposed to be with after all he fits what i prayed for perfectly. Lets just hope we can manage that one.
i completly and utterly love him to death, and i have my whole wedding planned already …not that he knows that. now i just have to convince him that building is better then buying so that i can get my dream home when i score my dream man. there will be i am sure more on this topic to come..lets just hope it turns into a wedding blog not a blog of broken hearted poems.